Re-inventing Mediocre: Hollywood’s Big Plans

As we enter another box office year, is Hollywood preparing to lose more money to “pirating”?

I mean, it couldn’t possibly be the lack of quality or caliber of films this year that could cause moviegoers to look the other way; so I submit that any lackluster performance will be due to the rampant “pirating” of these exciting new movies.

The studios have put together a virtual smorgasboard of great ideas and classic storytelling that will surely delight moviegoers worldwide. Who can deny the sheer power of a live action “Pac Man” movie, or the inner peace and self exploration one can find in “Welcome Back Kotter: The Movie”. 

Many people have stated that they feel Hollywood is “out of ideas” and despite a collective plea for something more inspired that would have created an excuse for them to go the theater again, the studios have slapped everyone back down to the peasant level where they belong so they may continue feeding on the table scraps they are given.

Out of ideas you say? How can that be when there are so many great stories that have already been told. Everything old is new again, right? It’s awful bold for anyone to question Hollywood’s ability to tell a story when Hollywood studios have been making, re-making, and re-making the remakes of movies for decades. It goes without saying that with all of this experience, and time-honored tradition; Hollywood would certainly have their finger on the pulse of the market.

Wait, your not convinced? Well, I was hoping that you would say that. I enjoy an opportunity to prove people wrong. The following is just a small taste of magic you are in store for. I will accept your humble apologies at the conclusion of this article.

Pac Man: The Movie: Details are sketchy at this time as multitudes of screenwriters at Crystal Sky Studios are working furiously to refine the script. What we do know is that the film will be a live action interpretation of the popular video game. The original screenplay submitted met with some success with the studio heads, but the biggest challenge they were facing was refining the story down as well as cutting out many of the complex scenes for time.

As with any epic tale, you must walk the fine line between giving enough exposition to allow audiences to be able to understand the complexities of the story, and ensuring that the film doesn’t run too long and become overly confusing. Peter Jackson faced this same problem with Lord of the Rings, as there were many characters to develop and many facets of the storyline that had to be addressed and explained. While Lord of the Rings may have been easier to adapt to film in that regard, studio executives remain hopeful that they can bring the epic tale of Pacman to life on the big screen without sacrificing any of the rich storylines and character development that is vital for an accurate telling of the adventures of Pacman. Keep an eye on this one.

Welcome Back Kotter: Who can forget the laughs and the catchy themesong of this classic American favorite. Unfortunately, the show has become hard to find in syndication as of late. Thankfully, the movie studios have decided to bring this inspirational show back to life in the cinema. This lighthearted look at innercity life will star Ice Cube as Mr. Kotter.

The rights to the series that ran from 1975-79 were controlled by the show’s creators, Gabe Kaplan and Alan Sacks. Kaplan originated the role Cube will play, a teacher who returns to his tough, inner-city alma mater, where he meets a new generation of underprivileged troublemakers who are as unmotivated as he used to be. I can hear that smooth voice singing my very thoughts, Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back.

The Dirty Dozen: Warner Bros. and Village Roadshow Pictures will co-finance a remake of this 1967 actioner that starred Lee Marvin as a major who conscripts twelve condemned soldier-prisoners for a dangerous mission in WWII. Screenwriters and working to “contemporize” the storyline and ensure that it will be a “high-testosterone, fun, big movie”.

Casting is underway and the studios are looking to fill the title roles of the dozen with male film stars like Leonardo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington, Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Carrot Top among others. Nothing is solid yet, but producers want to be sure that the actors salaries for the project exceed the total cost of Titanic. Large salaries and production costs have always ensured good box office returns, and Dirty Dozen looks to be no exception.

The Wolf Man: The frightening werewolf that stalked the nightmares of little kids worldwide will return to the screen in the form of Benicio Del Toro. Like the 1941 original that starred Lon Chaney Jr., the new pic will be set in Victorian England. Del Toro will play a man who returns from America to his ancestral homeland, gets bitten by a werewolf and begins a hairy moonlight existence. Many months have been spent working on some frightening new twists to a familiar tale, adding several characters and plot points that take advantage of cutting-edge visual effects technology.

As we’ve discovered with many other films, CGI just makes things better. The new Wolf Man will feature all CGI characters who will befriend the lonely Wolf Man has he embarks on a journey of self-discovery. Matrix style bullet-time camera work will be incorporated into scenes involving werewolf transformations and moon howling.

As I mentioned before, this is just a taste of what Hollywood has in store. So many other upcoming movies like Baywatch The Movie, Peyton Place, Castlevania, and Dr. Phil The Movie are too numerous to mention. Besides, why spoil the surprise?

Now, don’t you wish you hadn’t doubted my logic at the beginning of the article? I told you that Hollywood has big plans for all of us over the next couple of years. Let’s just hope that movie pirates and file-sharers don’t destroy the box office profits of these masterpieces.

Article Written By: Kevin DuCommun

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1. The wolf man movie actually looks like it could be pretty good, the rest are crap.

   Posted by Foreveryoung  on  04/04/06  at  12:08 PM